i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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