I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
