if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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