You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
