dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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