peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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