Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
