I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
