She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
