i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
worst night to have a conscience
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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