hotel room ftw
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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