my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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