He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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