i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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