I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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