Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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