So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
