We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
