hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
We need to rekindle our bromance
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
