I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
