my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
