i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize