So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
