those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
