He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
But theres a keg here and me gusta
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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