i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
