FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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