My sheets look like a crime scene.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
