I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
