I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
