My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
