After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
