He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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