you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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