i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I understand Curling. That high.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
