I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize