my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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