we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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