I seem to have left my pride at pride
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
