I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
