Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
3pm strippers are depressing
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
