I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
