so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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