He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We left the knife in your bed.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
