You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
