I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
