I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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