Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
