Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
