can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
