i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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