I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
