gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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