I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just pynch a tree in the face
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
