Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize