Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
