I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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