I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he shaved USA in his pubs
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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