What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
