John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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