wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
